Some arguing and conflict between parents and carers is often a normal part of everyday life. But evidence shows that frequent, intense, and poorly-resolved arguments can have a significant negative impact on children’s mental health and long-term life chances.
Ongoing arguments with a partner or co-parent (if you’re parenting with someone you do not live with) can make you feel emotionally drained, and have a serious impact on your emotional wellbeing.
We’re raising awareness of parental conflict, so people can get the help they need sooner rather than later. We’ve worked with the relationship experts at Amity to create this self-help page for families.
What does parental conflict look like?
Damaging conflict and arguments between parents and carers can include:
- shouting and swearing at each other
- behaving disrespectfully towards a partner or co-parent
- trying to be the ‘winner’ in arguments
- not making an effort to sort out arguments or find solutions to problems
- ignoring the reasons behind arguments
- always having the same arguments which do not get resolved
- arguing about lots of different things instead of focussing on an individual issue
Parental conflict and domestic abuse are not the same thing. Relationships should not make you feel unsafe or scared. You should not be frightened of your partner or anyone else you live with. If you want to know more about domestic abuse or need help, go to the domestic abuse section of the Middlesbrough Council website.
What do parents and carers argue about?
Anything and everything can cause arguments. Life is stressful and when we’re stressed, we’re more likely to argue and struggle to resolve it.
Lots of different things can cause arguments, including:
- money problems
- how children are parented, and family life in general
- mental health problems
- illness or caring for someone who is ill
- problems with trust in the relationship
- drug or alcohol problems
- having different views about things
- household responsibilities, like who does the cleaning, shopping, cooking, and other household jobs
- looking after the children and other relatives who need care
Conflict and arguments happen in all types of parent and carer relationships, including:
- parents who are in a relationship, whether married or not
- parents who are separated or divorced
- biological and step-parents
- other family members in a parenting role
- foster and adoptive parents
- parents and carers who are LGBTQ+
Hear from parents about what it’s like when they argue and why.
How are children affected by arguments?
Ongoing, frequent, and intense arguments can make children feel anxious and worried. They struggle to understand why adults are arguing, and it can make them feel like the arguments are their fault.
Children who live with ongoing, destructive conflict and arguments can:
- do less well at school than their friends
- struggle with their emotional wellbeing and feel more anxious
- struggle to sleep properly
- develop poor communication skills
- struggle to resolve conflict in their own life with friends and others
Babies, toddlers, children, and young people can be upset and anxious about their parent or carer relationships even if they seem okay on the outside. Children often keep their worries inside, which can make people around them think they’re doing well.
Even if you think your children cannot hear your arguments, they know that something’s wrong, which makes them feel unsettled.
Hear from children about what it’s like when their parents argue.
What can I do as a parent or carer?
The good news is that there’s lots of help for anyone who wants to make changes to the way they communicate during arguments at home.
This page includes handy self-help information and websites you can visit.
Useful websites
Self-help guides for couples
We’ve worked with the relationship experts at Amity to create self-help guides for parents who are struggling with arguments and communication.
Parenting together: ideas to improve communication between parents.
Parenting apart: ideas to improve communication between separated parents.
